There is no news to write about today, so instead I will make some up.
Britney Spears had an abortion today. The abortion's name was Timmy McGillus Spears. A methamphetamine orgy was held in his honor at the Spears' residence, lasting for three solid hours, until it was discovered that much of the "buffet" had been stolen by several of her fellow rednecks.
Britney has confirmed that she is again pregnant, pending a paternity test.
Contrary to popular opinion, the identity of the Antichrist has been revealed today and it is neither Dick Cheney nor george w. bush, though if you would've guessed either of these, you'd have been close to the mark. It is none other than Barbara Bush, the president's mother! Kind of makes sense!
In other news, German scientists have discovered that hangovers are not caused by drinking too much, but by malicious demons that are invisible. These findings can be supported by many of my own horrible hallucinations, as well as by many leading severe alcoholics (in the field).
Global warming, as it turns out, is a hoax of the liberal media. It turns out that all this frightening weather is due to homosexuals.
Not much else to report. Stay tuned for more pertintent information as it occurs.
