I wonder how they make Taco Bell Meat. It honestly doesn't taste like anything else on earth, and I imagine that it would be really disgusting without the other buffer ingredients. It only approximates a passing resemblance to ground beef, which does not in and of itself "make its own gravy." Nor should it. Taco Bell Meat is a peculiar phenomenon that-- though completely unknown-- probably involves horses, powdered germs, newspaper, and a wood thresher, and possibly children from third world countries, or at least their bone meal.
The other day, I ordered a "crunchwrap supreme" which is what they call it when they mix all of their ingredients together with nacho cheese and wrap it up in a tortilla that is somehow crunchy on the inside, but still wet from all the gooey sour cream and meat and taco sauce, and then you eat it and die of cancer. Possibly while driving.
Anyway, I reached into my pockets and started counting out some change, which somehow caused the woman at the counter to immediately assume I was homeless. I don't know why this happened exactly, but the effect was unmistakeable. I know this because she offered to pay for the food object in question with a sudden, grave understanding that never breached the long, uncomfortable eye contact. She told me that she knew what I was going through.
It actually took a while to convince her that I would pay for the item myself, mostly because I didn't know how to react. I couldn't say, "Good Madame, despite my appearance, I can assure you with the most lucid clarity that I am not a male prostitute, remorsefully purchasing the only sustinance I can afford after blowing all my sex-money on methamphetamines and beer. I am simply 'snacky.' Please accept this handful of legal tender and complete this business transaction so that you may be allayed of your fallacious suspicions once and for all!"
Actually, I could've said that. Damn. That would have been a much better response than my mincing, obsequious assurances that I am only very "near-homeless." Well, that's not quite what happened either, but the unpleasant fact of the matter is this: It seems that I give off "homeless rays."
Now, anyone who reads this site may not be surprised by this information. All the ravings, and discontent and dark musings that adorn what is supposed to be a funny ol' web comic, and all the talk about the apocolypse that I believe in all honesty is about to happen, may lead you to believe that I am not quite right in the head, and that even though I obviously have the means and access to a computer, perhaps I am still "homeless material."
But in my everyday life I am generally well-mannered and soft spoken, offering illuminating commentary on all things hideous and morbid, or otherwise disastrous, if only to try and mask the fact that I'm practically terrified of any and every social situation, human contact, and phone calls, lost in a sea of misguided and crazy-eyed humans, every one of them a cause of probable madness, and the anger just under the surface is just unbearable sometimes and I just don't know what combination of blasphemous words would be the most effective thing to scream at the top of my lungs and...
Oh. Well, I digress. But still.
I don't look homeless.*
From the excellent comic Bob the Angry Flower comes news that the latest Popcap game has been completed. It is as bright and colorful as their other games, with semi-ugly characters that aren't entirely relevant but it is fun and you can download a free demo here.
Stephen Notley, the Bob the Angry Flower guy, has a job writing scripts for Popcap games, and may I just say that I am terribly envious of this, and if there are any video game developers out there reading this (Ha!) let it be known that I will do your character art, plot design, and dialogue, and whatever else your math and program-addled mind cannot do on its own anymore, and generally create the deepest, most fully-realized story you've ever experienced in your life, and I will do it cheaper than Stephen Notley, whom I will now call acharlatan for dramatic effect.
I'll promise to try not to look too homeless in the process.
