Spacious Chad's is committed to such high standards of excellence that they are either unknown or unattainable, but which resemble the terrifying sensation of urinating in bed next to a partner or loved one who is still asleep.
Spacious Chad's contains fewer insect parts and animal matter than those other websites, guaranteed!
Spacious Chad's is as concerned about your safety as you are! That is why our twenty-four hour security station--in conjunction with the federal government--monitors every action you perform online and stores that information in a database. We guarantee that the information kept in this database is never sold or distributed to mad scientists, or anyone known to be affiliated with fictional mendacity in any way.
We at Spacious Chad's feel we have fostered a lasting relationship with you over the years, and after weeks of meaningful consideration, we feel we are finally ready to take this deep, reciprocal commitment to the next level.
Spacious Chad's has never, nor will ever advocate the murder of kittens by Nazis. Additionally, we vociferously affirm that such an act should never be televised. Our stance on this matter is final and unwaivering.
At Spacious Chad's we are commited to nutrition as well as public outreach. Thus it is with a heavy heart and deep resignation that we inform you that you desperately need to lose weight. Your eating habits have been abhorrant lately. If you think you are fooling anybody, it is only yourself. Frankly, your corpulence has become so profound that it is difficult even to look at you. We are sorry to have had to break the news to you this way.
Though Spacious Chad's fully advocates diplomacy and non-violence, we will strike you once --hard-- on the cheek if you become uppity or "lose control of your senses" or if you have just given us no other choice.
We at Spacious Chad's will never yell "Hey, there's a spider on your back!" while you are driving.
Though Spacious Chad's does not in and of itself release greenhouse gases, we knowingly do business with several of the nation's most egregious polluters whose practices continue unchecked by society or the government at large. Our shareholders will not allow us to reveal the names of these contributors. This is our promise.
Spacious Chad's adds an alluring flavor to any cocktail, spirit, or malted beverage. Try it at your next party!
While some other websites give you the run-around, you can always count on Spacious Chad's to give you "Just the Facts." Here's a tip: Try programming a web browser that only allows access to Spacious Chad's.
Spacious Chad's promises to think of more promises when we are less tired. We have had a long day and are no longer in any mood for your ceaseless reading. Give it a rest already. We are serious.
Spacious Chad's is owned and operated by Slavering Death Reich Industries and all subsidiary companies. Spacious Chad's is not responsible for any brain hemorrhaging, glandular malfunction, or eye failure incurred as a result of viewing Spacious Chad's. Side effects may include irritable bowel syndrome, horse shingles, induced necrophilia, and some types of organ disruption. Any satire you find using other people's characters for our own indiscriminate purposes is totally legal. Consult your doctor before viewing.
The Spacious Chad's Difference
While other websites are content to just sit there like retards, Spacious Chad's is out there on the front lines fighting valiantly for your patronage. There is nobody more important to us than you, the Spacious Chad's reader. Your commitment to our publication has been invaluable during this turbulant transitional period of coming into existence from naught but an idea, a dream, and a wisp in the wind. That's why we have made your business a part of our business. Spacious Chad's has always been a trendsetter, and our ever-growing list of Spacious Chad's Spacious Promisestm is just another reason to appreciate the Spacious Chad's Difference. Every Spacious Chad's Spacious Promisetm is your own personal guarantee of our firm commitment to the highest quality and standards. And, unlike some of those other websites, we stand firmly and proudly behind all of our policies. Why do we do it? Because that's the Spacious Chad's Difference!
Spacious Chad's Spacious Promisestm
Spacious Chad's has never accepted nor will ever accept large monetary contributions from Third World dictators. Should such donations ever be made, Spacious Chad's vows to publicly refuse the money on moral grounds. Years later, when the IRS discovers our Swiss bank accounts after an unexpected audit and demand to know where all the money came from, we will try our hardest to make an "I am very sorry" face.